Simon Cowell breaks down as he reveals he felt he had “nothing to live for” after his parents died, but son Eric saved him

Written by Amelia Wynne for Mailonline

13:01 June 10, 2024, updated 23:36 June 10, 2024

Simon Cowell broke down in tears as he revealed he had “nothing to live for” after his parents died.

The 64-year-old music mogul gave one of his most open and emotional interviews ever to the CEO’s Diary Podcast with Steven Bartlett, in which he shared how, after losses, he “reached a point where nothing mattered.”

He spoke about his amazing relationship with mum Julie and dad Eric and the devastation he felt after their deaths, before he was “saved” when his partner Lauren Silverman, 46, told him she was expecting a baby.

They welcomed their son Eric in 2014, which Simon said “changed everything” as his mental health reached “the lowest possible level.”

When he broke down, he said: “Before him, I reached a point where nothing mattered. This all hit me very hard. Being on TV, I felt like a clown because I was dying inside. I gained a lot of weight.

If I was going to get hit by a bus the next day, I wouldn’t worry about any of that. It was dark the whole time. This was the lowest level. I understand when people say that being alive doesn’t matter anymore.

I thought, “What should I live for?” I didn’t want to take my own life, but I thought: “If something terrible happens to me, it won’t bother me.” I still suffer from depression sometimes.

He talked about falling into a deep depression in the midst of grief and realizing that “material things mean nothing.”

To deal with his pain, Simon also became a workaholic and explained: “After losing all my material things, I meant nothing.

“I was on a downward spiral. I was extremely unhappy, so I thought I would become a vampire and work until 7 am.

“I became addicted to this lifestyle. I had to find something to fill this loss and I became a workaholic. I was very successful, but very unhappy. ‘

After learning that Lauren was pregnant, he added: “I got a call from Lauren and she said, ‘are you sitting?’ That’s how you know it’s a big deal!

And that changed everything. It made me happy again, it was perfect.

He also talked in detail about the death of his dad and how after the loss he couldn’t even think about him for a long time because it was too painful.

Simon said: “I was in Germany promoting Westlife and they were doing so well so I called home to tell them the good news and I just noticed something was wrong and then my mum told me.

“At this point in my life, I thought my parents would live forever. It was difficult. The hardest thing about losing your parents is that you can’t think about them afterwards because it’s too hard.

“But a little later you can and I actually talk to my parents in my head. I still believe they are with me. I would trade everything I have in my life to have him back in my life. There are so many things I’m doing now that I keep thinking, “What would dad say about this?”

“He would love to see me on TV. Losing both my parents was without a doubt the hardest thing that has ever happened to me.

After his father died in 1999, his mother suffered from dementia but managed to reunite with her son before she died in 2015.

He then broke down again when he revealed the sweet gift his mom gave Eric – which he still treasures.

Becoming incredibly emotional, he said, “I’m so glad she was able to see Eric, she really wanted me to have a baby so she brought him that brown blanket and he still has it.”

“And everything revolves around the blanket, he always has to know where it is. One day he held it in his hands and said, “I’m thinking about grandma and grandpa,” and then I started to believe that they were still with us.

– It’s not a total loss. They were my best friends. That’s how I feel about Eric. It’s just pure love.

He added that losing his mother was “the most devastating thing that has ever happened in his life.”

Simon said: “When I lost my mum – because it was the final decision – it was the most devastating thing that had ever happened in my life.

It was as bad as it could be. We had the most amazing relationship. I looked up to them both and could turn to them when I needed advice and they were there for me.

Elsewhere in the extensive interview, he also spoke candidly about One Direction, the boy band he founded on The X Factor.

He talked about how he didn’t think they would ever get back together and revealed that his biggest regret was not owning their band name.

He said: “My only regret is that I should have had that name. They own the name. I could make an animation or something, so if you listen to One Direction, I’ll buy it from you!

– That meant I was very naive. I have to have that name next time.

He also talked about their success and said that as soon as they appeared on the show, he knew they were going to be big.

“As soon as they entered the program, it was obvious that they were going to be really successful. They were the perfect group. They made a lot of money, he admitted.

He also told how he warned them about the dangers of fame if it weren’t for them, saying: “I told them never to complain about the paparazzi because they are coming to take your pictures, never to complain about the invasion of privacy because people will always want to have a photo with you , don’t complain about long working hours.

“I told them that if any of the above was a problem, they should move on to something else because it would all happen. I told them about the grueling schedule – it comes with the territory.

“It will just come, you will lose a lot of privacy. If you want to become an accountant, you won’t have any of these problems, but it won’t be as much fun. There hasn’t been a team as good as them since then. There was just such a glow about them.

The band was formed on The X Factor in 2010. The group consisted of Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, and previously Zayn Malik until his departure from the group in March 2015.

Elsewhere in the interview, he mentioned couples therapy with Lauren, stating that it was “nothing to be ashamed of.”

He started his first therapy after an electric bike accident in 2020, when he broke his spine in three places.

Simon explained: “I first went through therapy after the accident. It would be crazy not to talk to an expert. It’s like going to the gym – you feel great afterwards.

‘It made me feel better. It had a big impact on me. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I also participated in couples therapy with Lauren – it would be the best reality show ever!

The Britain’s Got Talent judge proposed to his longtime love in December 2021, and the couple is currently planning a wedding.

The couple first met in 2004 while vacationing in Barbados, although Silverman was married to businessman Andrew Silverman at the time.

Years later, Cowell and Silverman began quietly dating, and in July 2013, PEOPLE confirmed that the couple was expecting a child together and that the Silvermans had filed for divorce.